I’m worried about you. Not a single text or call from you I’ve received today.
None. I waited until now, 145 am. But still nothing from you.
Snores and heavy breaths heard outside. They are all sailing in dreamland except for your own little bastard here. Well, I’m sorry I break our promise where we supposed to take care of ourselves. All I need now is comforting words and advices. Telling me that I’m okay and i’m going to be fine and that you will take care of me and protect me. But no. I don’t get that. Why does her nose reddish and her cheeks wet? Even I couldn’t answer that. I am supposed to be sleeping right now. It’s not a school holiday tomorrow instead I have an exam tomorrow and I haven’t revise anything. Why? You tell me why. This John Green’s novel is not helping me either. Shutting off the lights and covered myself with blanket do not help as well. So here I am in the early morning where everybody is snoring and where my pillow is just drenched with somewhat; tears. I just wish you could hold me and said those four comforting words even when I know it’s not true or it’s hard to be true. Just the four words and hold me throughout the night. But no. You’re miles away and you, yourself is not in a good state of condition. I promised you to be with you and help you and not me being help. I’m sorry. I have to go to sleep now. Can you send me anything so that I would worry less. Because all I’ve been thinking about this damn whole night is just on how your condition is. My AC is on its high temperature where it freezes. But I don’t feel cold; I just wanna feel your warmth. I have to stop wetting my cheeks and close my eyes so I can go to school tomorrow. I have to. It’s really late already.
Why can’t you see I’m miserable and terribly missing you and missing everything I once had in my life?
And I meant; everything. I wished I could snuggle beside anyone now just to get a good night sleep but the fact is that I’m alone now. I ‘m sad and now I’m tearing up and panicking and feel confused more than ever.
I miss everything and everyone.
Then she realized as she wiped the dreadful tears with the back of her hand; she knew that she was not okay. She was terribly sad.
This could never be true than ever.
When I was 13, my first year of high school, the first time ever being so called a teenager, my year of dorkiness and awkwardness when singles are for losers and having a boyfriend is the next in thing among my peers. As much I despise the thought of having a relationship is the new trend, I was literally one of the girls. Yep. If I look back, I would surely laugh and tease myself for being so bloody 13.
There was this guy who was in the same class with my friend and cousin. His house were in the same neighborhood as mine and I didn’t knew it until one evening when the three of us walking home, he was there too walking back to his house. So my friend and my cousin which are his classmates initiated a conversation asking lots of questions. Just so you know, this guy was so quiet and sometimes mysterious. And I was the loud girl who would sing loudly despite everyone’s stares and laugh hysterically.
Moving on, we were instantly become friends.
One day, my girls couldn’t accompany me back home because my friend rode a car back home that day and my cousin was absent so basically I had to walk alone. And then he came and asked me if he could tagged along so I said yes well obviously because his house is on the same road. So along the way we chatted and talked about school, stuff. And then after a few days, my friend dropped the bomb saying that this guy was crushing on me and my jaw dropped. To make it short, we’re a thing and everyone was complimenting that we’re the perfect couple and that we’re perfect for each other. But yeah love at the age of 13? Even the word love sounded so greasy. And the next months, we weren’t a thing anymore.
I was feeling guilty for breaking a guy’s heart and he was sad having his heart broken. We were both pretty much fucked up. And we weren’t talking for weeks. And as I grew older and mature enough to make things better, we’re talking again back to normal. He was having a new girl and I’m still happy with my single life. But the important thing is that we were friends again. We tease each other a lot.
We exchanged hello’s as usual and not the awkward nod and smile. He keeps teasing me as the girl who’s playing hard to get and I keep teasing him as the guy whose crush was younger and continue until today.
The point is that when I put that statement up there is because I think that it is true after all considering my ex and I become friends now after much ‘hardships’ for ‘falling in love’ in such a young age. The thing is I don’t really have the feeling of loving him since our young relationship ended. We both tried getting back together but it just do not seem to work so we both better off without each other and we were both right. Maybe I was too obsessed of the idea of having a boyfriend that I got confused with my own feelings. But now as I grow older, I realized that it wasn’t love after all. And that’s why me and him are comfortable with each other now as friends. Maybe I never love this guy. I mean, I was 13. But what I know is that we had memories and moments together. Maybe there are not important now but it held certain promises, laughters and moments which are important when I was 13. Anyway, thanks for everything, ex.
All the best in life, dear friend! Oh and that was me behind that flower. Yep I censored myself for being 13.
Death was never easy for anyone. Big or small, man or woman young or old; death was so hard to take in.
Having the feeling of losing someone is already heartbreaking and the fact that you can’t see that person anymore for the rest of your life is just devastating. It’s God’s will. God made plans because God knows what’s the best for us. We can’t ignore fate. Although it’s hard, it’s the reality and we are living in it.
The reason I talk about this is because of my friend. He lost his mother recently on Wednesday around 5 am in the morning. And he was only seventeen. Being a teenager, losing a family member is just hard.
On Friday, I met him and he was being him. He smiled, laughed and even joke around. He was like the happiest guy alive on Earth. We mocked each other and teased around. That smile of him was just so meaningful and happy. On Saturday, he went back home to meet his mother. He was in a sport school and he stayed there. That means he could only get to go home once two weeks and on holidays only.
So her mother took the opportunity to go out with his son and spend time together whenever she could.
Everyone who knows this friend of mine can tell that he was very close to his mother.
He cherishes his mother like no one else. Believe me, I know cause I can tell.
There was this time he was on the phone and he used the word; ‘sayang’ ‘awak saya’ all the lovey dovey nicknames and he used a soft romantic voice while talking. So everyone went whispering around and teasing him that he was all poyo while talking to his girlfriend the one we assume on the phone. And he went confused and told us that it was his mother. I mean, this rude-fierce looking guy was talking to his mother as if she was his girlfriend. We were surprised but I wasn’t because many people told me that he loves someone, he just love them sincerely. And sometimes at night he would call or send a message to his mother and just talk. I mean, not many seventeen year old guy would do this routine at night especially with his mother but he does it and he loves it. He is not like one of the momma boy or something; he just loves his mother dearly. When I heard the sad news early in the morning, I thought it was some kind of a sick joke. But death; was not the kind of thing you would be joking with and then reality hits me a few minutes after. He lost his mother. The happy, loving guy just lost his mother. And I was having a panic attack on what to do or what to say and even what to feel because everything just seem so blurred.
I went to school with a heavy heart worrying about him. This was not expected. Death should come with a warning but it does not work that way. And fortunately he spend his weekends with his mother sharing his last moments with her having to hear her voice, her laughs, advices and having her by his side at the last moment. He was a strong and tough guy. Everybody knew because even if he gets injured while having a match, he would hold on and continued. But this; this unexpected situation; was different even for a strong guy like him. I was wondering the whole time how he is, what reaction he has, whether he’s okay or not. Even I don’t know what to say to make him feel better. It was hard for him to lose his mom.
The night we came to his house to pay condolences to his family and prayed for his late mother was the first time I saw him after he went back. He wore the t-shirt and he was being him. He shook hands with everyone and when the moment I saw him smiling, my heart just broke. He looked at everyone with the same look the last time I met him and he smiled. I turned away because I knew the longer I stare, the more my heart breaks. It was so heart breaking to see him like that and everything was just so sad. When it’s time to go back home, he laughed along the jokes, he mocked us when he got teased, he was being him. And seeing that just breaks me because he was holding it all in. He was the tough guy we knew so he did not want to look weak or vulnerable in front of us so he held it all in by smiling throughout the sad night. I turned to him and smiled as saying ‘hey’. He nodded a little and smiled back as saying ‘hey’ back.
Who knows that this 17-year-old would lost his dear mother? Who knows that this strong tough guy was hurting inside? Who knows that when he spend time with her mother on the weekend was going to be the last time they met? No one. As I said before, it’s God’s will and death has its own way. The point is that whatever you do, wherever you are, cherish your loved ones dearly. You don’t now what will happen in the future or the next months or even the next minute. So, appreciate them and take care of them and love them while you can. You don’t know if you will have the last moments with them. As a reminder to you people out there and for me too. People come and go. And that is just how reality and life works.
And as you for my friend, no one could ever tell how much I want to run to you and hug you and pat your head telling you that everything is going to be okay and that time would heal sooner or later. You have your family, friends, us and me. If you need a shoulder or an ear or even a helping hand, you know you have all of us. I know everything is just so hard to take in and you’re hurt inside but it’s going to be alright.
So, take care my love and be well. x
Day and night, she felt alone.
Ending her life is all she wants.
Suicide is not the best way to solve things.
Poor girl, she’s only sixteen.
A friend for comfort is all she needs.
In time the pain would slowly heal.
Raise you voice, lend a hand and be her friend.
-050213, 1135 am.
And basically based on the title, you can guess where I spend my Chinese New Year holidays at.
And if you still do not know, I wonder where exactly the last time my father put his hammer.
It was warm, stress-free, reassuring and tiring. Nevertheless, I spend 4 days well enough.
Alep (muh peymes twin brotha) and unicorn sitting together in the flight to PL. Talked about getting married. And yep, we’re both sixteen.
We’re staying in Bahagia Hotel. I’m standing in front of the building. Their lobby smells really nice. Alep, sis and me always went down and spend time at the lobby because well..obviously..great Wifi connection. Pft.
And Alep the dork showing off his new dork toy we called The Eagle.
The frist gif is the Pulau Payar island where we took a 1 hour ferry to get here. Went snorkeling, fish-feeding (and they were so little and colourful), went creeping on Mat Saleh’s beach bod, swallowing toooooooo much sea water that was tooooooo salty, spend good quality time with family in the sea.
The second gif where Alep decided to hit the water by doing Gangnam Style. Smooth dude. Kewl.
That is muh kewl mum trying on a kewl look with muh kewl sunglasses with her kewl daughter beside her taking a kewl picture in the kewl Pulau Langkawi in a kewl weather acting so kewl kez we juz so kewl.
Oh pardon kepucatan muka ku. Kez i’m not in a good mood but happily went riding the cable car and went ‘ooooohhhh ahhhhhh woaaah hold up hold up dis iz so high and its freaking me ouuuuuuut!’ all through the ride. My parents were hilarious They’re like little child on their first time on a cable car and freaked out. Kewl parents made kewl children. Keh keh keh. And the trip was breathtaking. Never regret a thing despite of the sudden gayatness. The wind up there just so windy and ken layan ombak rindu siuuuut. Thumbs up!
My older sis and her feberet adik among the three (or I think so).
Looking at this picture, I’m wondering about a thing. Where the hell did I put that bracelet I wore!!!!
I freaking love that piece. Sigh.
So, nevertheless I had a fun trip with my family. What’s more better than spending time with your loved ones at your favorite place to be? Suddenly missing the beach, the sea, the wind..
But no. I don’t want to get burnt anymore because of the sun.
Perhaps, Sabah for the next trip? Keh keh keh keh keh.
Go nature lovers!
And everybody keeps questioning me the same exact question everytime they see this picture of me, Alep, mother and the youngest sis. ‘Why the hell you pose laik dat?’ I’m just naturally phtogenic, you damn mother father. U mad bro? Stay mad. Kez I’m just kewl laik dat. Deal with it. Peaceeeee yo! x
First of all, I would really like to thank my very best guy friend, Muhd for staying with me for about 10 minutes or so and listening to my rants and eventually watching me cry macam pondan. But yeah, thanks.
I’m sorry for burdening you to listen to my trivial rants which was nothing. I mean, it’s not a big deal pun neither it’s a big problem or so . But anyway, you’ve stayed and listened. Thanks a lot bro. x
Maybe it’s because there was a few things that keeps my mood went down for these past few weeks that keeps making me sad and angry at the same time. And I haven’t told anybody yet about what have been weighing my heart all this time. Not even Gorjoz (because the typical me thinking it’s a burden) And the time I was tearing up seconds for my tears to fall on the floor, he was there sitting next to me (luckily) and I simply whispered, ‘Mad, aku sedih.’ And he grabbed my arm pulled me away from everybody making me sat in front of him in the corner of the library so that I can tell him the reasons why I’ve been sad.
Well everybody knew that I was more the-suffer-in-silence type.
I was saying ‘nothing happen lah’ for 5 minutes or so but he was pushing me to tell him why and then after many scolding from him, I finally reluctantly told him ONE of the reasons why. I mean, come on.
One oredi enuf lah.
I never felt more sad because of a friend at that time. My heart was really breaking to see my best friend kept his distance and doesn’t even talk to me as if
I’m no longer exist. Well scratch that. It’s like I never exist in his life. It really breaks my heart to see my own 3 year old friendship turned us into somewhat, strangers. And I was sooooo sad that I couldn’t handle it anymore. Because I never been told the reason why or what I’ve done wrong. It’s like every time I saw my best friend, I instantly became sad and so emotional. Fvck you for making me friggin’ sad. So, Muhd virtually knew about both of us. I was so sad that I even cried IN FRONT OF MUHD FOR GOD’S SAKE! I mean, come on lah. I never ever ever cried in front of anyone not even my friends except the time when I was accepting my PMR results but despite of that, I never cried in front of boys because yep..I was..so macho and stuff. So crying in tears in front of Muhd showed that I’m really really sad at that time. Serious macam pondan nangis. Cengeng.
As usual and effectively, Muhd told me things, reassured me, calmed me down by..well not by giving advises or stuff. But mostly by listening. He listened attentively and saying only important things that I should know and said his wise words of all time, ‘Apa guna member kalau kau tak cerita?’ Mofo you bro for the words to always makes me smile every time. Anyway, thanks for being such a good friend bro.
I lep chiu. Even if you’re bald and boncit, I wud steal lep chiu bro.
SINCERELY, FUCK YOU.